The Lyrics

     When you died over two years ago I lost what I call "the lyrics". Before you died music was constantly running through my head. I was always writing lyrics down, always listening to songs. When you died, they stopped. The lyrics weren't in my head anymore. I was listening to a song when I found out. Maybe that's why. Maybe I was just so sad that there wasn't any room in my head. But long after you were gone they still did not come back. Losing you was awful. You were the first person that I lost that was close to me. You were my grandmother and I couldn't conceive a world where you did not exist. People did not die in my life. I was 18 and I just wanted you to see me graduate and move to New York. I wanted you to be there to see Justin graduate or even drive. You did not make it though. Although as Justin said at his baseball game right after you died - you've had the best seat in the house these last 2 years. I was so heartbroken when you died that the music that I so loved died too.
     I still listened to music. But the lyrics wouldn't float around my head all day at my disposal. I would have to try very hard to recall any snippet of lyrics. And these were lyrics that I loved. I wrote them all over everything. My physics binder is covered in lyrics. I have pages with lyrics and little doodles to go with them all over the place. But when you died in April that stopped. And then my childhood friend died and then my uncle. And the lyrics have been missing. They have been missing since April 29th, 2010 and things have just added to it.
     I think that things might be getting better though. The other day I caught lyrics going through my head. And I was surprised because that hasn't happened in a really long time. I don't remember what they were but I remember they were there. And even as I'm writing this lyrics have gone through my head. They are starting to come back. Maybe this means I'm happy again. I think it does. I think it means that my life is going really well at the moment. I feel like me again.

This Summer

     When this summer started I thought it would never end. The 4 months I was going to be stuck at home and away from the city and my friends seemed like torture. Now that there is 1 week before I go back to the city and school, I still can't wait, I just feel like the end is finally in sight. Almost to the point where I'm running out of time. I only have a few more days to sleep in, laugh with friends, stay up late, and watch endless amounts of TV. I only have a few more days before my junior year of college starts.
     When this summer started I did not think that this is where I would end up. I did not think that the day that I got to move into my apartment with my second family would ever come. I did not think that I would have some of the friendships that I have. I did not think Arts and Crafts was ever going to end and I didn't anticipate feeling sad about it or that I would miss some of the kids. I did not think I would end up liking someone and that she would be my best friend. I especially did not think she would feel the same way. I did not think that I would bond with one of my best friends so much but then feel like I was losing the other. I thought we could pick back up where we left off. I learned that that is not always the case. But I also learned that it can be okay. So many things have happened this summer that I thought would never happen and things that I thought would happen never did.
     When this summer started I had all the time in the world. Now this summer is coming to an end. Naturally I feel as though I am running out of time. I have 1 week left at home, only 3 days actually at home and the rest camping. I'm going to be spending time with people I love, people that I find infinitely entertaining. And then I will be off to the city and to a new school year, which I am very excited for. I'm excited to finally move in and stay down there, no more weekend deals. I'm still going to miss the people here, but I'm excited to get back to my life - the one that I have chosen. I'm feeling a bit conflicted as I'm running out of time because at the end of this week is something I want. 4 months ago I didn't think this summer would ever end, but here it is.

In the Dark

     Under the cover of darkness anything is possible. It is easier to do things than in the light. It is easier to admit feelings or act on them. In the dark barriers come down. We do things we might not do otherwise or things we want to do but don't have the courage to do during the day. It's almost like being drunk or inebriated in some other way - but it's not. The darkness doesn't erase memories, it just makes them easier to avoid. The dark makes it easier to kiss someone or touch them. It makes it easier to ignore implications or potential consequences. In the dark it feels safe to let what you feel show.

     The darkness shields us. I don't usually feel safe in the dark, but being with certain people can make me feel infinitely safe - my parents, my sister, and some of my friends. The darkness provides this level of protection that we all need. Things that happen at night seem like a dream. You have to keep reminding yourself that whatever happened actually did happen - it wasn't just a dream - and then feel everything come rushing over you again and again.

     The things we do in the safety of the dark are real. They don't go away when the sun comes up. But they do go to the back of our minds. We can ignore them or pretend they didn't happen. But how long can we do that? I can't do it for long and I don't want to. I've let the dark protect me before, we all have. But I want clarity. The dark can make things messy. It allows us to lead a double life of sorts. I don't want to do this again. Leading a double life will eventually crash and burn. The dark provides a temporary cover, a temporary shield. It gives us protection for a little while, but it doesn't last. After a while the things that the we do in the darkness aren't protected anymore. The darkness eventually stops shielding us and starts to make us crazy. And when that time comes, we're screwed. 

On The Fence

     I don't know and that is the problem. I feel like I have no identity. I cannot definitively say one way or the other. I can sort of say, and I know how I feel - I can tell if I'm attracted to a woman or a man. But I have no confidence in saying it and making a statement about it. I have no confidence to tell other people. I don't even know how it is supposed to feel. 

     I can identify what I like about people. I can tell what and who I'm attracted to. I can tell who I like and who I have or could have a connection with. I know how I am comfortable. But for some reason I cannot identify my sexuality or maybe I won't. I will not say one way or the other. 

     I'm indecisive. I'm afraid that if I finally say something I will be wrong, that I will have made a mistake. I know that sexuality is not set in stone. I know it can change and I know that it's not a hard or fast rule as to who we will like. You cannot help who you fall in love with. I'm afraid that people won't believe me if I do eventually make a decision. I'm afraid to say because I don't want to say one thing and then have it be completely untrue. I don't want to be a phony or a fraud. 

     I have feelings and I can identify them. I can acknowledge their existence, but only in my head. But for some reason I can't actually acknowledge their existence outside of that. I won't let myself. I know that I can't keep doing this though. I'm going to have a make a decision one way or the other. I can't keep bouncing around and avoiding how I feel. I don't want to make the jump though. I'm afraid to make the leap. I know that if I do though, I will feel better. I will be able to establish myself, just like everyone in my life seems to have done. But I have this nagging in my head that this won't happen for me. So I'm sitting here at a cross roads - getting sick of sitting on the fence, yet unable to fall one way or the other. 

     

Is This the End of the Road?

     After we leave high school things start to change. We go off to separate corners of the state or even further away from each other. The things that once held us close to our friends change or disappear forever. In high school we did sports together, after school clubs, rec. sports, we saw each other everyday in class. We are held together by the common experience of living in our hometown. 

     Once we go to college our relationship changes a little. We don't see each other everyday anymore. We don't talk much, if at all. We begin to live our own lives - each at a different school for completely different things. We miss each other, but we start to make friends and settle into our new environments. These are the people who know us. Our friends at our respective schools are the ones that see us everyday. They are the ones that we grow with and share things with now. They know the most current version of who we are and they share our most recent interests. They are into the same things we are.

     Then we all come back to our hometown. The one thing that seems to be holding us together still. We come back here after roughly 9 months apart. 9 months of barely seeing each other and talking even less. Sometimes we can pick up right where we left off. Sometimes we can't. Sometimes things change so much and there doesn't seem to be anything that can bring even a sliver of the past back. 

     It takes a lot of effort sometimes to be around the people we know in high school. The deeper relationship we feel like we once had doesn't seem to be there anymore. We don't connect the way we used to. The ease we had in high school seems to be gone. I'm not sure if we can ever get it back. Once we go off and start on our individual paths, can we keep coming together in this place that thrust us together in the first place. What about when we don't come back here anymore? What will happen to our friendships then?

     Coming back to our hometown - the place with it all started - thrusts us back together. Every summer we come back here. But being here shows how much things have actually changed. We are not the same people we were in high school. We all have different friends, live most of the year in different places, and have developed different interests. We all want to end up in different places. With all these changes, we still insist on holding onto the past. We insist that our history is enough to keep us together, enough to fight for. Well we can't keep living in the past. Our relationships change. Have they changed too much? Are we too different now? How do we decide? How do we decided if it's worth holding onto? When do we let the past be the past and just accept that this is how it is today? What does this mean for our friendships? 

     We want to hold onto everything. We want to hold onto the people that helped to make us who we are. They are our best friends, or they were at some point. It is hard to admit that things are not the same and that they never can be. It's even harder to admit that maybe things aren't working out anymore. I guess we just have to decide if we can make it work or if maybe this is the end of the road. Can we navigate our friendships from hundreds of miles apart and still maintain them? Can they survive the test of time? Is letting it go really an option? We don't want to let each other go. We don't want to lose each other, but you could never tell this by the way we act toward one another.