On The Fence

     I don't know and that is the problem. I feel like I have no identity. I cannot definitively say one way or the other. I can sort of say, and I know how I feel - I can tell if I'm attracted to a woman or a man. But I have no confidence in saying it and making a statement about it. I have no confidence to tell other people. I don't even know how it is supposed to feel. 

     I can identify what I like about people. I can tell what and who I'm attracted to. I can tell who I like and who I have or could have a connection with. I know how I am comfortable. But for some reason I cannot identify my sexuality or maybe I won't. I will not say one way or the other. 

     I'm indecisive. I'm afraid that if I finally say something I will be wrong, that I will have made a mistake. I know that sexuality is not set in stone. I know it can change and I know that it's not a hard or fast rule as to who we will like. You cannot help who you fall in love with. I'm afraid that people won't believe me if I do eventually make a decision. I'm afraid to say because I don't want to say one thing and then have it be completely untrue. I don't want to be a phony or a fraud. 

     I have feelings and I can identify them. I can acknowledge their existence, but only in my head. But for some reason I can't actually acknowledge their existence outside of that. I won't let myself. I know that I can't keep doing this though. I'm going to have a make a decision one way or the other. I can't keep bouncing around and avoiding how I feel. I don't want to make the jump though. I'm afraid to make the leap. I know that if I do though, I will feel better. I will be able to establish myself, just like everyone in my life seems to have done. But I have this nagging in my head that this won't happen for me. So I'm sitting here at a cross roads - getting sick of sitting on the fence, yet unable to fall one way or the other.