The killer is my irrational fear that someone or something is wandering around every corner and lurking in every dark space just waiting to get me. The killer is that bump in the night - or day, the killer is the person who changed the book, the killer is the thing that tries to grab you as you leave a dark room, and the thing that pops up in the window after you shut the door and turn your back. The killer is always there - waiting.
"The killer" started as a joke to kind of ease the tension when me or my sister was really scared of something - a noise, a funny shadow, an unexplained happening. We always say "the killer!" as if it will make us feel better. And it often does. It does relieve the fear and panic. Do I still check my entire house - yes. Do I lock the basement door - absolutely. Because what if the killer really is there? What if he is really real? Then what? I will carry blunt or sharp objects with me when I go to peep the scene.
In my paranoid mind the killer could actually be there. He could be under my bed, in my closet, in the bathroom, outside my window. And he is always there. No matter what. He didn't used to be at school with me. But the longer I live somewhere the killer comes out. Even in a dorm - which is basically one room. My paranoia brings him there. It happened in my freshman dorm, the bathroom there, my sophomore dorm, the bathroom there and the closet. It is the worst in my own home because there are so many places for the killer to hide.
I am afraid that he is hiding in the house waiting for me and my family to go to sleep and then he will strike. I create scenarios of where the killer is possibly hiding and why it makes sense that he would be hiding there. He would go to that part of the house because he can easily hide in the shadow or in that corner and he won't easily be seen. My mind goes wild with these plots. Which is terrifying. And now I've written this and I'm thinking about it. Scared. When I think about it too much it gets worse. It's like I bring my thoughts to my attention and realize how scary the situation can be. I can talk myself into being afraid of anything. This idea of "the killer" started as a way to calm and make light of a situation, but in the back of my mind the killer will always be real. Whoever or whatever it is.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Happy and Sad
I've been going through a hard time lately. I feel so lonely yet I am surrounded by people. I have friends but I feel like I am not good enough, or there is something wrong with me. My entire life I've felt like if someone liked Melissa they would like me - and they would like us the same. How naive of me as this is not the case at all. We are completely different and people like different things about us. Yet I can't help but feel like the least favorite twin in every situation.
I'm more awkward than Melissa and not as socially adept. I am anxious a lot of the time. I fear that I may be too much to handle or that I am that friend that no matter what I say or do I'm never funny enough or I don't say things at the right time. I feel obtuse. I feel like a giant slamming around in a doll house. I'm too rough. I don't make sense. But at the same time I still feel happy. There is a quote from The Perks of being a Wallflower that describes my life currently.
This is it. This is me. My life seems to be one big cornucopia of conflicting and confusing feelings at the moment. I feel happy, yet lost. There is the constant dull ache of something missing in place of the acute sharpness I usually feel when something doesn't sit right with me. I don't know how I can be happy even though I still don't know who I am or how I will figure it out. I don't know how I can feel sad, lost, and alone and still have the general feeling of happiness. Perhaps I shouldn't complain. It's definitely a step up from all around misery. But these feelings are still driving me crazy. Maybe that's alright though.
I'm more awkward than Melissa and not as socially adept. I am anxious a lot of the time. I fear that I may be too much to handle or that I am that friend that no matter what I say or do I'm never funny enough or I don't say things at the right time. I feel obtuse. I feel like a giant slamming around in a doll house. I'm too rough. I don't make sense. But at the same time I still feel happy. There is a quote from The Perks of being a Wallflower that describes my life currently.
"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Lost
I look back at videos from when I was in high school and I cringe. It's not just the terrible haircuts or my unfortunate skin though. I look at these videos and see how much I wasn't my own person. I was just trying to mimic Melissa. I never realized this until Melissa broke out her video camera and we watched some old videos. I don't know how I had friends. I sounded crazy and like I had no social skills. I would like to think that that has changed.
It's embarrassing and kind of sad to look back on how lost I was. I had no idea what was happening in my life or what I wanted. I had no idea who I was - but I so thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out. I don't know if everyone feels this way at some point. I feel like they must. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have evidence of this time on video. Unfortunately because I find it sad to watch. Fortunately because I can see that I've come quite a ways since then. Which gives me some hope that I can turn into an actual human being.
In these instances I am essentially personality free. Which I don't think is the case, all the time anyway. I have spent this last year searching for who I am. I changed my major, started hanging out with different people, started walking a lot, I started writing in a journal. I started doing things to put the pieces of myself together. The puzzle is missing some pieces still, but I don't think it's ever done. The puzzle can always change. But I think I've got a preliminary start on this puzzle. I would like to think I'm a completely different person than I was in high school, or maybe I'm just a more complete person with more direction. Despite this, there are still those times when I feel like that same lost kid I was in high school. Back at square one. And I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.
It's embarrassing and kind of sad to look back on how lost I was. I had no idea what was happening in my life or what I wanted. I had no idea who I was - but I so thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out. I don't know if everyone feels this way at some point. I feel like they must. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have evidence of this time on video. Unfortunately because I find it sad to watch. Fortunately because I can see that I've come quite a ways since then. Which gives me some hope that I can turn into an actual human being.
In these instances I am essentially personality free. Which I don't think is the case, all the time anyway. I have spent this last year searching for who I am. I changed my major, started hanging out with different people, started walking a lot, I started writing in a journal. I started doing things to put the pieces of myself together. The puzzle is missing some pieces still, but I don't think it's ever done. The puzzle can always change. But I think I've got a preliminary start on this puzzle. I would like to think I'm a completely different person than I was in high school, or maybe I'm just a more complete person with more direction. Despite this, there are still those times when I feel like that same lost kid I was in high school. Back at square one. And I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.
Friday, June 22, 2012
On Blaming Women
We are a culture that blames the woman. We don't pay attention to the things that are wrong with the men, rather we focus on how clingy the woman is or how she needs to get her life together. Rather than saying the man in this story is a jerk who keeps ripping women around, who is controlling or aggressive. Instead of saying that we just idolize this man and wonder who will play him when the movie comes out.
I had a conversation with one of my best friends tonight about this. As a society we blame women for the problems in relationships. We think that they shouldn't bother with these gross men. Well maybe men shouldn't be such assholes. Hows that for a radical notion. We need to stop placing everything that goes wrong or everything that is dysfunctional on women. Don't get me wrong, I do think that women need to smarten up and start picking people that are right for them. People that will treat them right. No matter who you are attracted too, that person needs to treat you with respect and dignity and you should do the same for them.
But this is hardly every portrayed in movies or books. Instead we get an "overly clinging, doesn't have her shit together girl" and a "strong man" who happens to be an aggressive, controlling, cocky, asshole. And this is what our popular media tells us we should do. People bitch endlessly about how "oh she took her boyfriend back even though he cheated on her, or hit her, or did this or that" and we blame her for taking him back. This is what movies show! In any romantic movie you watch the plot is so predictable. They are going to get into a fight, break up, and then realize that they cannot live without each other. They second guess their decision. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons people get back together, even if it's not the best thing. Because this is what our movies, TV shows, and books show us.
There need to be more realistic relationships and characters portrayed in pop culture. And it needs to be shown to young kids. Because that is when our gender roles are instilled. We are brainwashed so young to know what society expects of us as either a boy or a girl and then for the rest of our lives those roles and ideas are enforced at every corner in every aspect of life.
We are a victim blaming culture. It was her fault - "she didn't say no loud enough", "she was wearing a short skirt or dress", "she had sex with him before", "SHE did this". It's never "HE did this to her and he is the bad guy for that". Or even in situations of same sex abuse, we still blame the victim. Because they were in the wrong somehow. They somehow asked for something terrible to happen to them.
My friend is a smart girl, she is aware of the way the world is. But we are all guilty of this. Of blaming the woman. The specific conversation I had was about 50 Shades of Grey and the Twilight series. Now if anyone doesn't know, 50 Shades of Grey started as fan-fiction of Twilight. So apparently the characters are pretty much the same. I've seen 2 Twilight movies and didn't really care for either one. I think they are ridiculous. I've also never read 50 Shades of Grey. I've just heard people talking about it. And my friend expressed how irritating the woman is in the series. She said she reminded her of Bella and so on. Basically the girl too needy and needs to figure out her life before she goes and has a relationship. Because these relationships are very unhealthy. I had to ask what the man was like. And she told me he was controlling - not a nice guy. Yet everyone I talk to fawns over him. They talk about who will play him in the movie. WHY DO WE LIKE THIS MAN? He sounds like a raging asshole to me. We idolize him and put him on a pedestal while being irritated with this woman. Why do we want our men to be aggressive and controlling. I for one would like to be in charge of my own life. Society blames her for being to clingy. Well people, it's time to wake up because she may be clingy, but that doesn't change the fact that he is controlling and generally disgusting. He obviously doesn't treat her with respect.
We need to stop doing this as a society. The cycle has to end. Children shouldn't be taught to idolize the tough guy who doesn't respect them. Women need to smarten up and realized that they deserve better than an asshole like Christian Grey. Men need to start being taught to treat women with dignity and respect. Actually the human race could use a lesson in this. We don't treat a lot of people the way the should be treated. And that is not okay. It is not okay to deny people the right to marry, it is not right to try and cut down women's rights every chance you get, it is not right to teach hate and fear of others. There are bad people in this world and they deserve what they get. We need to start consciously thinking about the way we talk about things and who the bad guys really are.
I had a conversation with one of my best friends tonight about this. As a society we blame women for the problems in relationships. We think that they shouldn't bother with these gross men. Well maybe men shouldn't be such assholes. Hows that for a radical notion. We need to stop placing everything that goes wrong or everything that is dysfunctional on women. Don't get me wrong, I do think that women need to smarten up and start picking people that are right for them. People that will treat them right. No matter who you are attracted too, that person needs to treat you with respect and dignity and you should do the same for them.
But this is hardly every portrayed in movies or books. Instead we get an "overly clinging, doesn't have her shit together girl" and a "strong man" who happens to be an aggressive, controlling, cocky, asshole. And this is what our popular media tells us we should do. People bitch endlessly about how "oh she took her boyfriend back even though he cheated on her, or hit her, or did this or that" and we blame her for taking him back. This is what movies show! In any romantic movie you watch the plot is so predictable. They are going to get into a fight, break up, and then realize that they cannot live without each other. They second guess their decision. I truly believe that this is one of the reasons people get back together, even if it's not the best thing. Because this is what our movies, TV shows, and books show us.
There need to be more realistic relationships and characters portrayed in pop culture. And it needs to be shown to young kids. Because that is when our gender roles are instilled. We are brainwashed so young to know what society expects of us as either a boy or a girl and then for the rest of our lives those roles and ideas are enforced at every corner in every aspect of life.
We are a victim blaming culture. It was her fault - "she didn't say no loud enough", "she was wearing a short skirt or dress", "she had sex with him before", "SHE did this". It's never "HE did this to her and he is the bad guy for that". Or even in situations of same sex abuse, we still blame the victim. Because they were in the wrong somehow. They somehow asked for something terrible to happen to them.
My friend is a smart girl, she is aware of the way the world is. But we are all guilty of this. Of blaming the woman. The specific conversation I had was about 50 Shades of Grey and the Twilight series. Now if anyone doesn't know, 50 Shades of Grey started as fan-fiction of Twilight. So apparently the characters are pretty much the same. I've seen 2 Twilight movies and didn't really care for either one. I think they are ridiculous. I've also never read 50 Shades of Grey. I've just heard people talking about it. And my friend expressed how irritating the woman is in the series. She said she reminded her of Bella and so on. Basically the girl too needy and needs to figure out her life before she goes and has a relationship. Because these relationships are very unhealthy. I had to ask what the man was like. And she told me he was controlling - not a nice guy. Yet everyone I talk to fawns over him. They talk about who will play him in the movie. WHY DO WE LIKE THIS MAN? He sounds like a raging asshole to me. We idolize him and put him on a pedestal while being irritated with this woman. Why do we want our men to be aggressive and controlling. I for one would like to be in charge of my own life. Society blames her for being to clingy. Well people, it's time to wake up because she may be clingy, but that doesn't change the fact that he is controlling and generally disgusting. He obviously doesn't treat her with respect.
We need to stop doing this as a society. The cycle has to end. Children shouldn't be taught to idolize the tough guy who doesn't respect them. Women need to smarten up and realized that they deserve better than an asshole like Christian Grey. Men need to start being taught to treat women with dignity and respect. Actually the human race could use a lesson in this. We don't treat a lot of people the way the should be treated. And that is not okay. It is not okay to deny people the right to marry, it is not right to try and cut down women's rights every chance you get, it is not right to teach hate and fear of others. There are bad people in this world and they deserve what they get. We need to start consciously thinking about the way we talk about things and who the bad guys really are.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Climbing Mountains
Growing up in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, one would think I did more outdoorsy things. Things like hiking. I did not really hike as a child. And I certainly didn't hike while in middle school when puberty was hitting hard. But I have now been hiking 4 times. I believe I did go once as a child, but it is a vague, fuzzy memory that I'm not even sure is legitimate. Anyway, I've hiked Buck Mountain twice, Sleeping Beauty once and a place called Break Neck Ridge once. The most terrifying hike of my life. Buck isn't as hard as Break Neck but it is much harder than Sleeping Beauty.
I hiked Buck most recently the other day. I did this with my dear running buddies - Melissa and Tim. We did this instead of our usual workout. The hike was much harder, but way more rewarding. There is a quote from Grey's Anatomy about mountain climbing:
And I love this quote, I want to make that clear. Because it is true. However I do want to remember my journey. I want to remember the people along the way, the hard parts and the easy parts. I want to remember it all. I want to have the journey so I can make it to the top. I need to know where I came from. Every bump is important because it teaches you something. Every time you think you can't make it, but then you do. These are the moments that make the top so much sweeter. They make the accomplishment that much greater. The top is worth everything. But I believe without the journey, the top means nothing.
I hiked Buck most recently the other day. I did this with my dear running buddies - Melissa and Tim. We did this instead of our usual workout. The hike was much harder, but way more rewarding. There is a quote from Grey's Anatomy about mountain climbing:
They take pictures of the mountain climbers at the top of the mountain. They are smiling, ecstatic, triumphant. They don’t take pictures along the way cause who wants to remember the rest of it? We push ourselves because we have to not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next level – nobody takes pictures of that, nobody wants to remember, we just want to remember the view from the top, the breathtaking moment at the edge of the world. That’s what keeps us climbing and it’s worth the pain, that’s the crazy part. It’s worth anything.Now I realize that this quote is referring to legitimate, hard, real mountains. That probably involve life or death situations and actual rock climbing. But I'm a person who is all about the journey. Don't get me wrong. I can see exactly where this quote is coming from. And I do believe that it is right to an extent. Of course we want to take pictures of what we have accomplished and not the struggle and pain it took to get there. We want everyone to see that we made it, that we are hardcore enough to get to the top. But at the same time, it took a lot to get up there. The journey is where you learn things about yourself and the people you are with. You learn how far you can push yourself. Often times harder than you ever think possible. Now I'm not just talking about mountains. I'm talking about life.
And I love this quote, I want to make that clear. Because it is true. However I do want to remember my journey. I want to remember the people along the way, the hard parts and the easy parts. I want to remember it all. I want to have the journey so I can make it to the top. I need to know where I came from. Every bump is important because it teaches you something. Every time you think you can't make it, but then you do. These are the moments that make the top so much sweeter. They make the accomplishment that much greater. The top is worth everything. But I believe without the journey, the top means nothing.
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| We made it to the top! |
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| View of Lake George |
Sitting in a Clean Room
This is a room I call my own. This hasn't always been the case. We shared the room I live in now when we were babies and little kids and then when we were 8 my father asked us if we would rather move into separate rooms or he would knock the wall down and we would have one big room. I opted for the one big room. We could live on one side and the other would be completely dedicated to play. We could leave everything set up all the time. And we played all the time.
The summer before 10th grade I decided I wanted the wall back up and we would have separate rooms. We each got to paint and decorate our rooms. I now have a better sense of what I want to do with it. But since I only live here over the summer and that won't be the case next year, I figure I can work with what I chose at 15.
Sitting in a clean room always makes me feel like I have my shit together. Like I belong in a movie or something. Because in movies and books, they always have beautiful clean rooms that they spend all their time in. I also never used to spend much time in my room. I do now though. I guess college has kind of done that too me. I used to never be in my room unless I was going to bed. Now I come up here and do whatever. Listen to music, write, watch TV, whatever I want.
Today, I cleaned and rearranged my room. Something I do semi-frequently because I get bored and want a change. So I was long overdue. Sitting here it feels much more homey than before. When I came home from school I didn't really nest back in because, well I didn't want to be here and I figured its such a short time so why bother. But let me just tell you, I am happier than a clam.
Yet, for loving the feeling of being in a clean room, I NEVER clean. Never. I will anything and everything to avoid cleaning. I throw my clothes everywhere, I don't put anything away. I make piles ALL over the place...the bane of my mothers existence.
But here I am in my clean room happy as a clam. I feel like I can conquer the world if I want. Even if that just means reading my book and writing in my journal before bed. It's a good feeling. Maybe I should do this more often.
The summer before 10th grade I decided I wanted the wall back up and we would have separate rooms. We each got to paint and decorate our rooms. I now have a better sense of what I want to do with it. But since I only live here over the summer and that won't be the case next year, I figure I can work with what I chose at 15.
Sitting in a clean room always makes me feel like I have my shit together. Like I belong in a movie or something. Because in movies and books, they always have beautiful clean rooms that they spend all their time in. I also never used to spend much time in my room. I do now though. I guess college has kind of done that too me. I used to never be in my room unless I was going to bed. Now I come up here and do whatever. Listen to music, write, watch TV, whatever I want.
Today, I cleaned and rearranged my room. Something I do semi-frequently because I get bored and want a change. So I was long overdue. Sitting here it feels much more homey than before. When I came home from school I didn't really nest back in because, well I didn't want to be here and I figured its such a short time so why bother. But let me just tell you, I am happier than a clam.
Yet, for loving the feeling of being in a clean room, I NEVER clean. Never. I will anything and everything to avoid cleaning. I throw my clothes everywhere, I don't put anything away. I make piles ALL over the place...the bane of my mothers existence.
But here I am in my clean room happy as a clam. I feel like I can conquer the world if I want. Even if that just means reading my book and writing in my journal before bed. It's a good feeling. Maybe I should do this more often.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Love
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” - Robert HeinleinTo me this quote is what it means to be a twin. And it is a pain in the ass at times. Because sometimes you just want to be happy, damn the rest of the world! But for twins (of course not all) that can be nearly impossible if their co-twin is unhappy.
Personally it makes me so sad to see anyone hurting, physically or mentally. But when it is Melissa those feelings are magnified by 100 times. I cannot live without her. She has to be okay for me to be okay. I don't know what else to say. I feel like the quote says it all. Melissa is my one and only. I would be lost without her. This quote just embodies twinness to me and I wanted to share it.
Talking to Another Twin
I love talking to other twins because although every story is a little different and of course they have different feelings about each other, there are always similarities or situations or feelings. It's like twins can understand other twins even though all twins are different.
Last night I had the joy of playing a shameless, invasive game that involves being allowed to ask the lucky person in the hot seat any question you want for 3 minutes. I was hanging out with people that I occasionally see and one that I don't think I ever have. We went to high school together for 2 years and then he graduated and he also dated one of my best friends. He just happens to be a twin and the questions eventually turned to this and his experience.
Being 2 years older he is a recent graduate and so is his brother. But his brother is living in Chicago and will likely never come back to this area. He said that his brother needed to leave in order to find himself. I couldn't help but relate instantly. He said that he would have been fine, but that his brother would not have if they had gone to the same college. He basically described my life. Going to the same college is a double edged sword. On the one hand you have a friend and constant comfort. Someone to always look out for you. A roommate. That is how we did it anyway. Some twins go to the same school but room separately. Then on the other hand you have to watch that person flourish and you can't figure out what you're doing. It makes it hard to find yourself.
It was interesting to hear another twin describe this. Because it means I'm not alone. It means that what I'm feeling is normal and that other twins feel that way too. Although this specific twin recognized it way sooner than I did. I can't change it now. For 1) I'm too afraid and 2) I'm invested in Pace and the community there. So leaving isn't really a viable option. Not for me. But we'll figure it out.
I just fascinates me to talk to other twins. Because like I said, despite the differences there are bound to be more than a few similarities and I love it.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
When You Go With Other People
And by other people I mean a significant other. Someone that you like. Someone who has the potential to take you away from me. A thought that used to terrify me. But I've learned that just because you go with someone else doesn't mean that I'm going to lose you. It doesn't mean that you love me less when you hang out with someone you like and it doesn't mean that you won't come back in some sense. I may be losing some of my time with you. But I have lots to spare.
I've also reached a time in my life when I can hang out with other people and not feel lost. These people also have an abundance of time with you. It's okay to do your own thing every now and then. I have people that I want to spend time with and who I can do things with. People that will fill the temporary void. As long as I know your safe I'm okay. This might mean that I'll text you after you've been gone for 5 hours and I haven't heard from you. I'm sorry that's not normal, but that is who I am. I need to make sure that everything is alright. Then we can both continue on with our activities.
So it's alright for you to do things with other people. They mean a lot to you. And no one should take that away. There are 7 days in a week. I think it's okay to split up your time accordingly. And you don't have to give more than you want to, but don't be afraid that by giving more of yourself to someone else that you are taking it away from the people who already suck up all of you. Because you aren't. Just open your heart up and let everyone in. You have a big enough heart to do that. I promise you there is enough of you to go around despite your recent weight loss. I know this is scary, but you can handle it.
I've also reached a time in my life when I can hang out with other people and not feel lost. These people also have an abundance of time with you. It's okay to do your own thing every now and then. I have people that I want to spend time with and who I can do things with. People that will fill the temporary void. As long as I know your safe I'm okay. This might mean that I'll text you after you've been gone for 5 hours and I haven't heard from you. I'm sorry that's not normal, but that is who I am. I need to make sure that everything is alright. Then we can both continue on with our activities.
So it's alright for you to do things with other people. They mean a lot to you. And no one should take that away. There are 7 days in a week. I think it's okay to split up your time accordingly. And you don't have to give more than you want to, but don't be afraid that by giving more of yourself to someone else that you are taking it away from the people who already suck up all of you. Because you aren't. Just open your heart up and let everyone in. You have a big enough heart to do that. I promise you there is enough of you to go around despite your recent weight loss. I know this is scary, but you can handle it.
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Slow One
Throughout high school my sister was always the "faster" one. In 9th grade after being cut from softball we both decided to join the track team. The coach at the time was incredibly beautiful. He would always talk to two friends of ours and joining track was just the way to get his attention. After years of playing softball we both turned in our gloves in favor of being sprinters.
We excelled at track. Neither of us are amazing, but my high school was small and we are hard workers. But she was just that much faster than me and she was placed on the 4x2 (each leg of the relay runs 200 meters) our sophomore year. I was an alternate for this race. But that really meant nothing, I would never run it. The coach had his sites set on a school record, which he eventually got. This started for me the realization that we were not the same and that there would be things that Melissa could do that I couldn't. I think this is a hard realization for some twins. It was hard for me.
The finality of this discovery hit when the 4x2 won a championship. This meant that they would get their varsity jackets. In high school this was something that I so wanted. I wanted desperately to be good at sports and to have a jacket. Not many girls had them. So when they won their jackets that solidified in my mind that we were not the same and that things in our lives would not be equal. Our entire lives everything was made equal. We were painfully the same. Of course high school would be a time that this would change.
Looking back I don't know why I was so upset. The details of it seem ridiculous now. But, it was the point. It was that realization in my mind, that for the first time, we were not the same. Melissa didn't wear her jacket for a while because I was so bitter about it. I feel bad that I put her in that position as she should have been proud and worn her jacket. But she didn't. Which was a nice show of solidarity. But in the end I'm still the jerk that stopped her from wearing and being proud of her achievement.
Flash forward 4 years to this summer. For the third summer in a row me, Melissa, and our friend Tim have started working out in the desperate attempt to lose weight. We are running to train for a local 5k that our town has at the end of the summer. I spend our time running and usually staring at their backs. This can get pretty discouraging. Some days they do run with me, which I like. But they are both faster and stronger than me, which frustrates me to no end. Last summer we did Insanity and it was the same way. I couldn't keep up. Melissa has always been the more athletic one. It wasn't just track that she excelled in during high school. She was also a stronger volleyball player. To top that off she played a more demanding, specialized position - setter. She was moved up to varsity the fall of our sophomore year (the same year she won her jacket in the winter). Not a good year for me.
So I guess this is about how I feel like I'm always behind Melissa in every aspect of my life. This does not bother me as much as other things. I think that is because I've had a while to adjust to it. But I still feel like I'm metaphorically always staring at her back, desperately running to catch up.
To end on a hopeful note - I do feel like I've started to pull myself out of this metaphorical slump (I still get frustrated about the running thing). I had to grasp onto something (anything) to feel better. I picked women's issues to be "my thing". This definitely helped to give me some direction and now I feel like I can branch out and do other things. I can have other interests and it's okay if they overlap with Melissa's. So I'm not always staring at her back anymore. Which makes me really happy because it kind of sucks to always be behind someone. I don't want to be in front of her, but it's nice to feel like I can keep up.
We excelled at track. Neither of us are amazing, but my high school was small and we are hard workers. But she was just that much faster than me and she was placed on the 4x2 (each leg of the relay runs 200 meters) our sophomore year. I was an alternate for this race. But that really meant nothing, I would never run it. The coach had his sites set on a school record, which he eventually got. This started for me the realization that we were not the same and that there would be things that Melissa could do that I couldn't. I think this is a hard realization for some twins. It was hard for me.
The finality of this discovery hit when the 4x2 won a championship. This meant that they would get their varsity jackets. In high school this was something that I so wanted. I wanted desperately to be good at sports and to have a jacket. Not many girls had them. So when they won their jackets that solidified in my mind that we were not the same and that things in our lives would not be equal. Our entire lives everything was made equal. We were painfully the same. Of course high school would be a time that this would change.
Looking back I don't know why I was so upset. The details of it seem ridiculous now. But, it was the point. It was that realization in my mind, that for the first time, we were not the same. Melissa didn't wear her jacket for a while because I was so bitter about it. I feel bad that I put her in that position as she should have been proud and worn her jacket. But she didn't. Which was a nice show of solidarity. But in the end I'm still the jerk that stopped her from wearing and being proud of her achievement.
Flash forward 4 years to this summer. For the third summer in a row me, Melissa, and our friend Tim have started working out in the desperate attempt to lose weight. We are running to train for a local 5k that our town has at the end of the summer. I spend our time running and usually staring at their backs. This can get pretty discouraging. Some days they do run with me, which I like. But they are both faster and stronger than me, which frustrates me to no end. Last summer we did Insanity and it was the same way. I couldn't keep up. Melissa has always been the more athletic one. It wasn't just track that she excelled in during high school. She was also a stronger volleyball player. To top that off she played a more demanding, specialized position - setter. She was moved up to varsity the fall of our sophomore year (the same year she won her jacket in the winter). Not a good year for me.
So I guess this is about how I feel like I'm always behind Melissa in every aspect of my life. This does not bother me as much as other things. I think that is because I've had a while to adjust to it. But I still feel like I'm metaphorically always staring at her back, desperately running to catch up.
To end on a hopeful note - I do feel like I've started to pull myself out of this metaphorical slump (I still get frustrated about the running thing). I had to grasp onto something (anything) to feel better. I picked women's issues to be "my thing". This definitely helped to give me some direction and now I feel like I can branch out and do other things. I can have other interests and it's okay if they overlap with Melissa's. So I'm not always staring at her back anymore. Which makes me really happy because it kind of sucks to always be behind someone. I don't want to be in front of her, but it's nice to feel like I can keep up.
Me vs. We
My entire life I have been a "we", never a "me". "I" has meant almost nothing to me my entire life. Sure I would use it when writing a paper or when stating an opinion. But it was always our mother, our father, our dog, our, our, our, we did this, we did that. And this was never a problem. We were always together so it was always clear who we was. All of this made sense until college. When we were not together all the time and we would meet new people separately.
This is when this me vs. we speech became a problem. I would be talking to people and I was say something like "we did ____ this weekend". It would just come out. And then I would feel like we...WE...WE!?!. I felt like I must sound as though I belonged in an institution. I pictured the person I was talking to to be like "We? Who is we? The voices!?!? What is wrong with this person?". Of course that was just my slightly paranoid, over-thinking brain kicking into action. Hence my quest to become comfortable with the me/I thing instead of the we/our began.
This was/is a strange thing for me. I feel like when I'm talking about my parents, I'm really talking about our parents, for example. So it feels very strange to say my. Because they aren't just mine. They are my sisters too. But regular siblings don't seem to have this problem. I'm in the current state of flip flopping between the two when it feels comfortable in the conversation. I try and check myself and when I catch it I try and say me/I as not to sound like a crazy loon. I often think I end up awkwardly stumbling over the whole situation in the fashion of "we..I, I mean I *blank stare, some blushing from embarrassment*, did ____" or "our *beed eep boop bop, more blushing and embarrassment* I mean my ____". Awkward and embarrassing situations come out of this...in my mind anyway.
So as is the story of my life, this is a work in progress. Perhaps I'll eventually train myself to use I/me with ease and comfort. If not I'll be doomed to this constant state of limbo where I interchange I/me and we/our possibly making myself sound crazier than before. Or I will just revert back to we/our permanently. I don't see this happening. I would like to be a "normal", I use this term loosely because - define normal, functioning member to this society who does not have terrible conversations filled with awkwardness, stumbling, and red faces because I'm trying not to sound nuts. So this shall be one of my many works in progress until it is not, whenever that day will be.
This is when this me vs. we speech became a problem. I would be talking to people and I was say something like "we did ____ this weekend". It would just come out. And then I would feel like we...WE...WE!?!. I felt like I must sound as though I belonged in an institution. I pictured the person I was talking to to be like "We? Who is we? The voices!?!? What is wrong with this person?". Of course that was just my slightly paranoid, over-thinking brain kicking into action. Hence my quest to become comfortable with the me/I thing instead of the we/our began.
This was/is a strange thing for me. I feel like when I'm talking about my parents, I'm really talking about our parents, for example. So it feels very strange to say my. Because they aren't just mine. They are my sisters too. But regular siblings don't seem to have this problem. I'm in the current state of flip flopping between the two when it feels comfortable in the conversation. I try and check myself and when I catch it I try and say me/I as not to sound like a crazy loon. I often think I end up awkwardly stumbling over the whole situation in the fashion of "we..I, I mean I *blank stare, some blushing from embarrassment*, did ____" or "our *beed eep boop bop, more blushing and embarrassment* I mean my ____". Awkward and embarrassing situations come out of this...in my mind anyway.
So as is the story of my life, this is a work in progress. Perhaps I'll eventually train myself to use I/me with ease and comfort. If not I'll be doomed to this constant state of limbo where I interchange I/me and we/our possibly making myself sound crazier than before. Or I will just revert back to we/our permanently. I don't see this happening. I would like to be a "normal", I use this term loosely because - define normal, functioning member to this society who does not have terrible conversations filled with awkwardness, stumbling, and red faces because I'm trying not to sound nuts. So this shall be one of my many works in progress until it is not, whenever that day will be.
Update
Since I haven't posted anything since November, it's probably time for an update. I'm now 20. I just finished my second year of college at Pace University. I decided what my major will be - History and Women & Gender Studies (my sister is doing History and Literature). I gave up on the psychology, but I would still consider it an area of interest.
As I may have mentioned before, my sister and I lived in a triple with a girl who had been a friend from our first year at school. The first semester did not go very well but the second one did. We started to finally get along. It was an adjustment to live with someone else but a valuable lesson. Just before the Fall semester ended was when things between my sister and I started to get rough. I felt as though I was being left behind. She was finding herself and I was not. She was carving out her space. I felt like she had better relationships with our mutual friends. She had recently come out and I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality. I felt very left out. In short, we were starting to separate. Our paths were starting to diverge. And I were watching it happen. This was very hard for me, but it was also hard for my sister to see me that way and feel like she had caused it. She didn't want to stop what she was doing (I didn't want her to either) but she didn't want to see me hurting. It was difficult.
Now we're home for the summer and things seem to be better for the most part. We're still in the process of separating. I think things may only be better here because we are forced into the same box and it's hard to branch out here. We'll see where things go. We're both trying to navigate the route of separation. There is no map, no hard or fast rule. There is no set time it's supposed to happen and no set way that it turns out. But when it happens things may not be bad, but they will never be the same as they were before.
As I may have mentioned before, my sister and I lived in a triple with a girl who had been a friend from our first year at school. The first semester did not go very well but the second one did. We started to finally get along. It was an adjustment to live with someone else but a valuable lesson. Just before the Fall semester ended was when things between my sister and I started to get rough. I felt as though I was being left behind. She was finding herself and I was not. She was carving out her space. I felt like she had better relationships with our mutual friends. She had recently come out and I'm still trying to figure out my sexuality. I felt very left out. In short, we were starting to separate. Our paths were starting to diverge. And I were watching it happen. This was very hard for me, but it was also hard for my sister to see me that way and feel like she had caused it. She didn't want to stop what she was doing (I didn't want her to either) but she didn't want to see me hurting. It was difficult.
Now we're home for the summer and things seem to be better for the most part. We're still in the process of separating. I think things may only be better here because we are forced into the same box and it's hard to branch out here. We'll see where things go. We're both trying to navigate the route of separation. There is no map, no hard or fast rule. There is no set time it's supposed to happen and no set way that it turns out. But when it happens things may not be bad, but they will never be the same as they were before.
Rant on Boys
Boys always seem to think that they will win the heart of the desired twin if they can get all the information about said desired twin out of the other twin. This always seems to happen whenever one of us starts talking to a new boy. Not that this happens that often, and perhaps it is only a certain type of boy that does this. I didn't realize how annoying it was until I was on the receiving end of it.
Boys don't seem to realize that this puts the twin in an awkward place. You want to help your twin out, but its not really your place to tell this other person all of the personal inter workings of your twins thoughts. This can get especially messy when the boy is bound and determined that he is going to get what he wants, on his terms.
Like a situation that just happened to me, there is a boy that really likes my sister. I know who he is. Hes a nice guy, but he is quite overbearing. And he is just trying to figure out my sister. Which isn't going to be easy and he may never figure it out. But by asking me questions and wanted me to tell him what she has been saying, not cool.
He didn't figure it out BTW. She told him she didn't like him that way. And now he feels the need to vent to me - assuming that 1) I won't say anything to Melissa and 2) that shes not sitting with me reading his conversation. I don't know why boys don't think that is going to happen...
It takes a special person to deal with twins. I think that this is true in any area - friendship, romantic relationships, and so on. Twins can be difficult to deal with and it can be hard to feel involved. Boys have a tendency to say "Oh yeah I get it, you and your sister are really close...blah, blah, blah." They don't really get it. And instead of just saying, "This is something that I don't understand." they feel the need to pretend to understand, while not really getting anything at all.
This is annoying and frustrating for all parties involved. So moral of the story - don't pester someone about their sister and her feelings. It's something you have to figure out for yourself.
Boys don't seem to realize that this puts the twin in an awkward place. You want to help your twin out, but its not really your place to tell this other person all of the personal inter workings of your twins thoughts. This can get especially messy when the boy is bound and determined that he is going to get what he wants, on his terms.
Like a situation that just happened to me, there is a boy that really likes my sister. I know who he is. Hes a nice guy, but he is quite overbearing. And he is just trying to figure out my sister. Which isn't going to be easy and he may never figure it out. But by asking me questions and wanted me to tell him what she has been saying, not cool.
He didn't figure it out BTW. She told him she didn't like him that way. And now he feels the need to vent to me - assuming that 1) I won't say anything to Melissa and 2) that shes not sitting with me reading his conversation. I don't know why boys don't think that is going to happen...
It takes a special person to deal with twins. I think that this is true in any area - friendship, romantic relationships, and so on. Twins can be difficult to deal with and it can be hard to feel involved. Boys have a tendency to say "Oh yeah I get it, you and your sister are really close...blah, blah, blah." They don't really get it. And instead of just saying, "This is something that I don't understand." they feel the need to pretend to understand, while not really getting anything at all.
This is annoying and frustrating for all parties involved. So moral of the story - don't pester someone about their sister and her feelings. It's something you have to figure out for yourself.
A Place Where Twins Get to be Twins
This makes me so sad. I can't imagine losing my sister. What do you do when you lose your other half? On another note, I love when he says that "twins get to be twins" about the Twins Days Festival. I think there is so much truth in that statement. I've never been to the festival but I think it would be so nice to just be able to be who I am, and not try to be like everyone else, because I would already be like everyone else.
The videos are from Our America with Lisa Ling. http://www.oprah.com/own-our-america-lisa-ling/our-america-blog.html
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