Throughout high school my sister was always the "faster" one. In 9th grade after being cut from softball we both decided to join the track team. The coach at the time was incredibly beautiful. He would always talk to two friends of ours and joining track was just the way to get his attention. After years of playing softball we both turned in our gloves in favor of being sprinters.
We excelled at track. Neither of us are amazing, but my high school was small and we are hard workers. But she was just that much faster than me and she was placed on the 4x2 (each leg of the relay runs 200 meters) our sophomore year. I was an alternate for this race. But that really meant nothing, I would never run it. The coach had his sites set on a school record, which he eventually got. This started for me the realization that we were not the same and that there would be things that Melissa could do that I couldn't. I think this is a hard realization for some twins. It was hard for me.
The finality of this discovery hit when the 4x2 won a championship. This meant that they would get their varsity jackets. In high school this was something that I so wanted. I wanted desperately to be good at sports and to have a jacket. Not many girls had them. So when they won their jackets that solidified in my mind that we were not the same and that things in our lives would not be equal. Our entire lives everything was made equal. We were painfully the same. Of course high school would be a time that this would change.
Looking back I don't know why I was so upset. The details of it seem ridiculous now. But, it was the point. It was that realization in my mind, that for the first time, we were not the same. Melissa didn't wear her jacket for a while because I was so bitter about it. I feel bad that I put her in that position as she should have been proud and worn her jacket. But she didn't. Which was a nice show of solidarity. But in the end I'm still the jerk that stopped her from wearing and being proud of her achievement.
Flash forward 4 years to this summer. For the third summer in a row me, Melissa, and our friend Tim have started working out in the desperate attempt to lose weight. We are running to train for a local 5k that our town has at the end of the summer. I spend our time running and usually staring at their backs. This can get pretty discouraging. Some days they do run with me, which I like. But they are both faster and stronger than me, which frustrates me to no end. Last summer we did Insanity and it was the same way. I couldn't keep up. Melissa has always been the more athletic one. It wasn't just track that she excelled in during high school. She was also a stronger volleyball player. To top that off she played a more demanding, specialized position - setter. She was moved up to varsity the fall of our sophomore year (the same year she won her jacket in the winter). Not a good year for me.
So I guess this is about how I feel like I'm always behind Melissa in every aspect of my life. This does not bother me as much as other things. I think that is because I've had a while to adjust to it. But I still feel like I'm metaphorically always staring at her back, desperately running to catch up.
To end on a hopeful note - I do feel like I've started to pull myself out of this metaphorical slump (I still get frustrated about the running thing). I had to grasp onto something (anything) to feel better. I picked women's issues to be "my thing". This definitely helped to give me some direction and now I feel like I can branch out and do other things. I can have other interests and it's okay if they overlap with Melissa's. So I'm not always staring at her back anymore. Which makes me really happy because it kind of sucks to always be behind someone. I don't want to be in front of her, but it's nice to feel like I can keep up.
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