Lost

     I look back at videos from when I was in high school and I cringe. It's not just the terrible haircuts or my unfortunate skin though. I look at these videos and see how much I wasn't my own person. I was just trying to mimic Melissa. I never realized this until Melissa broke out her video camera and we watched some old videos. I don't know how I had friends. I sounded crazy and like I had no social skills. I would like to think that that has changed.
     It's embarrassing and kind of sad to look back on how lost I was. I had no idea what was happening in my life or what I wanted. I had no idea who I was - but I so thought I did. I thought I had everything figured out. I don't know if everyone feels this way at some point. I feel like they must. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I have evidence of this time on video. Unfortunately because I find it sad to watch. Fortunately because I can see that I've come quite a ways since then. Which gives me some hope that I can turn into an actual human being.
     In these instances I am essentially personality free. Which I don't think is the case, all the time anyway. I have spent this last year searching for who I am. I changed my major, started hanging out with different people, started walking a lot, I started writing in a journal. I started doing things to put the pieces of myself together. The puzzle is missing some pieces still, but I don't think it's ever done. The puzzle can always change. But I think I've got a preliminary start on this puzzle. I would like to think I'm a completely different person than I was in high school, or maybe I'm just a more complete person with more direction. Despite this,  there are still those times when I feel like that same lost kid I was in high school. Back at square one. And I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.