Happy and Sad

     I've been going through a hard time lately. I feel so lonely yet I am surrounded by people. I have friends but I feel like I am not good enough, or there is something wrong with me. My entire life I've felt like if someone liked Melissa they would like me - and they would like us the same. How naive of  me as this is not the case at all. We are completely different and people like different things about us. Yet I can't help but feel like the least favorite twin in every situation.
     I'm more awkward than Melissa and not as socially adept. I am anxious a lot of the time. I fear that I may be too much to handle or that I am that friend that no matter what I say or do I'm never funny enough or I don't say things at the right time. I feel obtuse. I feel like a giant slamming around in a doll house. I'm too rough. I don't make sense. But at the same time I still feel happy. There is a quote from The Perks of being a Wallflower that describes my life currently.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

     This is it. This is me. My life seems to be one big cornucopia of conflicting and confusing feelings at the moment. I feel happy, yet lost. There is the constant dull ache of something missing in place of the acute sharpness I usually feel when something doesn't sit right with me. I don't know how I can be happy even though I still don't know who I am or how I will figure it out. I don't know how I can feel sad, lost, and alone and still have the general feeling of happiness. Perhaps I shouldn't complain. It's definitely a step up from all around misery. But these feelings are still driving me crazy. Maybe that's alright though.