In the words of the Fall Out Boy song The Afterlife of the Party, "I'm a stitch away from making it and a scar away from falling apart". I feel like my life could go either way at this point. It could go either way in any given day or even hour. It's like the moment I start thinking about something too much I could easily tear my stitches out. I could easily create a new scar. What little is holding me together might not be enough.
I feel like I'm in an unstable state. Being on the fence is a scary feeling. I feel like something that I see or hear could push me over the edge. I'm working on not letting things bother me, but sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I can't handle it. Those are the moments when I'm convinced everything will fall apart and I'll slip back into the confusion and constant state of drowning that I feel like I just clawed myself out of.
The last thing I want is to feel that way again. Like nothing I do will ever be right. Like I will never belong. Like I'm invisible. Lost and alone with no one to talk to and no one to care. My options are being okay, being happy, being around people I love, having direction in my life, being how I feel a lot of the time. Or I can slip back into sadness. I don't want to go back there, I just don't know how to stop myself from getting overwhelmed. I don't know how to stop myself from feeling the cracks. I don't know how to stop myself from creating problems in my head.
I don't know how to hold myself together. And I know that not everyday will be a good day. There will just be days where it is overwhelming or something makes me sad or angry or frustrated. I know that this will happen. This is life after all. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. I guess what I'm afraid of though, is that one of these moments is just going to send me over the edge. I won't be held together anymore. I'm afraid that I can go either way so easily and it's a guessing game as to which way I will fall.
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