Slip

     I have them just in case. They're hidden away, but I know where they are. They're there in case I slip again. Just in case it becomes too much to handle and I need that release. There have been moments when I thought I might need them, but I always change my mind. I choose to lay in bed rather than actually make the effort to go get them.
     I retrieved them right before a fantastic weekend. I was feeling awful and I thought I might need them. I thought I might need to bring them with me. But by the time I left, I promised myself I didn't need them for this trip and I left them behind. That this was going to be a good one. And it was. I didn't need them at all. Never had the urge once.
     I've been sticking with this feeling - that I don't really need them. But I won't get rid of them. Although I don't know if I'll ever use them. I want them. I want to know that I have the option. I want to know that they are there even if I'll never use them. A safety net of sorts. A last resort.
     I've decided to be happy. I'm sick of feeling cloudy and unfocused. But what if I feel lost again? What if I need to bring myself into the clear? What about when everything becomes too much again? I want them around when that happens. I want to have them ready. I probably won't use them until I lose it again. I haven't used them yet, but I might someday. That's why I won't throw them away. I'm not sure how long this feeling will last and I don't want to risk it. I don't want to slip and not have them. So I'm keeping them - hidden - until I need them.