Laying Under My Bed

     I feel safe there. I've never done it before. Never thought to lay on the floor of my room and just slide myself under. I took a pillow and blanket with me and just laid there, staring at the bottom of my mattress, focusing on the metal grid that supports it. For someone who generally freaks out in small spaces, I felt incredibly safe there. I felt like my feelings were manageable.
    My room was just too large. Everything from my head was swirling around and filling up all the available space. Maybe going under my bed was a way of hiding from all of this. I guess it was. Because once I was under there I felt like if I just kept staring at the one intersection in the grid I would be alright. I could talk myself off the ledge. But only in this small, semi-dark space could I do this. My room was too much to handle.
     Of course I was freaking out over ridiculousness. I get overwhelmed and my brain can't handle it. Everything goes immediately cloudy and I curl up into a ball and cry or rather try not to. But for some reason going under my bed felt like a good idea. I had calmed down a little by the time I decided to crawl in, which I think helped.
     I was eventually talked off the ledge the first time I emerged by a friend. My friend did a fantastic job of making me feel better, because when I first came out I started to freak out again. But I took my phone and my computer back under my bed and everything was alright. She kept talking to me and I was able to start working and I was much calmer. I don't think she knows how helpful she was. I wouldn't have done anything without her help and encouragement.
     I can't explain these feelings of safety and security that came from lying on my dirty floor under my bed. It just happened. I was able to tell myself that it was going to be alright. That what I was overwhelmed about was really manageable. So between hiding in a space that came maybe 6 inches from my face for a while and my friend talking me down to a normal level, my night actually ended pretty good.